Some endings are tidy on paper and messy in the kitchen drawer. That’s where divorce really lands, in the quiet inventory of what’s suddenly missing: the colander you used every other night, that dented sheet pan, the lamp that threw a warm cone of light over your book at 11 p.m.
Becca Murray hit that exact wall. After her marriage ended, she realized she didn’t just lose a relationship; she lost the daily scaffolding that makes life feel livable.
So she did something both practical and, frankly, brave: she made a divorce registry.
Rethinking what a registry is for
We’ve long reserved registries for milestones with confetti edges—weddings, babies, the proud “we-did-it” of graduation. Murray’s idea pokes at that neat box and asks, why not a restart registry? Isn’t rebuilding a life just as worthy of organized help as building one?
Friends kept asking how they could support her, and as the days stacked up, so did the little absences—wooden spoons, a throw blanket, the coffee grinder that made mornings feel like mornings. A registry gave those helpers a simple roadmap. No guessing. No awkward “what do you need?” call. Just click, send, breathe.
Is that crass? Some people seemed to think so when she shared it online. I don’t. I think it’s honest. It removes the fuzzy politeness from the equation and replaces it with something generous: clarity.
The quiet logistics of loss
There’s the emotional avalanche, sure. But there’s also the logistical erosion—the drip, drip of reaching for a thing that isn’t there. That can wear you down in a way grief alone doesn’t. The folks who understood Murray best were people who’d divorced themselves. They knew how the “stuff” isn’t about stuff. It’s about momentum. It’s about not spending all your courage on finding a spatula.
I’ve watched people try to tough it out, insisting they’ll figure it out later, and then later arrives with a cold frying pan and nowhere to sit. Pride is expensive. Asking for help—especially in a way that’s tidy and optional—feels, to me, like fiscal and emotional sense.
Beyond replacement: rebuilding a sense of home
The things that make a space feel like yours are often embarrassingly ordinary. A worn-in afghan. A cheap ceramic mug that fits your hand just so. When they vanish, the room echoes. Replacing them isn’t about recreating the past; it’s about giving the present a spine. Friends and family who choose an item from a divorce registry aren’t just buying kitchenware—they’re underwriting new memories. That lasagna dish? It’ll hold the first dinner you cook alone that doesn’t taste like tears. That lamp? It’ll anchor the corner where you finally sleep through the night.
And yes, there’s something quietly celebratory in that. As Murray put it, having a space to get excited about the new things coming in helped her orient toward the future. That little pulse of “I get to choose,” again and again, is no small thing.
The backlash, the boundaries, the invitation
Let’s be practical: a registry isn’t a summons. It’s an invitation with an easy exit. Murray’s point was clear—zero expectation. If that rubs someone wrong, they can scroll on. For the rest of us, it’s a relief to have a concrete way to show up that doesn’t require guesswork or speeches. Also, frankly, it takes guts to admit you need a broom and a blender more than advice.
If you’re in the thick of it, and people are asking how to help, consider this:
- The small stuff matters.
- Make a list before your pride edits it.
- Let people pick their lane. Some give cash. Some mail dish towels. Both count.
A gentle shift in how we care
Maybe we need more registries for hard things—grief, layoffs, caretaking seasons—moments when a casserole and a bath mat do more than a thousand “thinking of you” texts. A divorce registry doesn’t cheapen the gravity of a breakup. It meets it where it lives: in the cupboards, the linen closet, and the stubborn hope that a home can be reassembled, one package at a time.
What do you think—would you make one, or gift from one? Share your take in the comments, and follow us on Facebook for more real talk and tangible tools for rebuilding.
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Sources:
- www.yourtango.com/self/woman-creates-divorce-registry-get-things-lost-after-split
- www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915324000751
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