Divorce is something no family wants to face. Unfortunately, divorce happens to thousands of families every year, worldwide. According to Divorce.com, the main reason people get divorced is conflict. They argue, fight, and stop communicating like responsible adults. Of course, there are many other reasons that can cause a marriage to dissolve. They contain (but are not limited to):
- Infidelity
- Refusal to budget the family finances
- Disagreements over raising (and disciplining) the children
- Disapproval from family concerning the marriage
- Lack of intimacy and support
- Domestic violence
- Differences in morals, values, and ethics
- Not making the family unit a priority
- Allowing each other to grow apart by not sharing common interest
Wherever reason you have to end your marriage, it should be done smoothly as other person can be involved and hurt. If you want to have a smooth and peaceful divorce, you must have a game plan. In this article, we will identify some of these steps. They are in no particular order. You may want to add some tips of your own. Only you know your family.
Steps on how to get a divorce as peaceful as possible
- Speak to a professional. This can be a doctor, clergyman, or marriage counselor. Express your feelings of self-esteem. Let your partner know how this rocked your foundation and explain that you expect their support while you are healing and offer your support to them.
- Do not involve others: Do not talk badly about your partner to your family, children, or friends. Just as in a marriage, a divorce is private between the two of you. If anyone brings up the divorce in front of the children, stop it immediately.
- Answer to children: If your children have questions, be gentle and honest. It is a good idea to have these conversations when both parents are present
- Equality between parents: Avoid the “good parent – bad parent” scenario. Arrange visitation where both parents participate in homework nights, and report card nights and support each other in discipline. Further, each parent should have weekends where they can go to the parks, ballgames, and vacation time.
- New partner: If you have a new partner in your life, talk about the guidelines. You may have total trust in this person, their other parent does not know them. Agree on what is acceptable and unacceptable with your children. Keep an open dialog. As a parent, you do not have the privilege to blindly trust your child with someone your ex-partner doesn’t know. Speak bluntly as a group, then speak clearly in front of the children. Make sure they understand that if anyone says “Don’t tell anyone”, they are safe to tell you. Make it a habit to Facetime or Skype your children while they are with any stranger. Many people wish they had.
- Children and finance: Finally, children should not be in finances. These are adult decisions. If something is too expensive in your current situation, the answer is no. If it is something important to them and something they have always been allowed to participate in, explain that you will talk about it and let them know.
Effects of divorce
Divorce affects so much more than your household. It changes you. Divorce affects you emotionally, physically, mentally, and socially. Divorce affects your extended families who almost always feel the need to blame one person over the other.
You can’t keep these effects hidden. While you are healing, they will surface time and time again. Little things that would not usually irritate you or make you angry do. A joke from a co-worker or friend you may have found funny is no longer funny.
Well-meaning friends may want to introduce you to someone they know, but you are not interested. This is where you have to learn to be polite but firm. You are in control of your life.
The Children
A family can’t experience a divorce without the knowledge of the children. No matter how kind you treat your ex-spouse or how kind they treat you, your children understand one of the most important people in their lives is no longer in the home. They see the look of sadness in your eyes. They soon learn finances are different, affecting them in their small world. Children are in tune with the dynamics of the family unit.
If left out of the communication loop, they may blame one of you. They may blame themselves, They may act out in school. They may break family rules, and they may feel forced to choose sides,
Final thought
Divorce is hard. It is hard on everyone in your life. To have a civil divorce, you must work together. You must have goals. You may have to develop new skills. You came into this together and you must work together to keep everyone healthy. Your commitment to your family doesn’t end when you walk away. You did not stop being an adult, you didn’t stop being an employee. You didn’t stop being a friend, son or parent.
So, pull up your big kid pants and make the best of a really hard situation. Together, you can get through anything. Remember, the goal is to come through this healthy and happy, and hopefully friends. This is a great gift to each other and to your children.
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